Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
