This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
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