listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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