You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
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