She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
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