Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Me. At least after what I've been through.
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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