I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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