We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Randomize
