I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
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