and you said cock pushups were impossible
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
The air taste purple.
Randomize
