I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
