My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Randomize