I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Randomize
