Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
How does it feel to date your dad?
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
