There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
cat food counts as protein by the way
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Randomize
