How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize