I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
