the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Randomize
