I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
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