is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Randomize
