in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Randomize