True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
