Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Greg found me on xtube. Who knew random hook ups would leave their web cams on and upload it. At least it shows off big penis.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
