Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
She's the barista slut.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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