you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
