im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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