So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
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