Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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