your room smells of hookers.
And success
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Rumble strips road head = magical
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
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