where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
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