Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
