I hate your face
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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