Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
