she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
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