Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
