You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I need to wash the frat house off of me
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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