Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
