hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
