alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
Send help, water and tortillas.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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