So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
