im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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