why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
Randomize
