I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
