Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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