the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
