That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
