It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
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