So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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