I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
