so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
