the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
