vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
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