nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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