just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Randomize
