i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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