Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Randomize