you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Randomize
