Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
