so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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