so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
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